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lunafire121288
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Name: Kristen
Birthday: 12/12/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Justin, anime, RPGs, junk food, Rocky Horror Picture show, English, literature, smart people, love and other ideas revolving around being a hopeless romantic, Beauty and the Beast, books, music, anything Disney and baby kittens!
Expertise: Writing, Being cynical and sarcastic and funny, and being smarter than everyone else!
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/9/2004
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| This is the most stressed I've felt in a while. And that's not even because it's finals week. It's because I'm sick of having to prove myself to people who just don't get it. I'm tired of trying to do things their way. If you don't like it, fine. I'm going to call you on it this time. You don't have to like it, but I'm going to be there. I'm going to tell you what it's like, because there's a first time for everything, right? I won't suffer being treated like crap anymore, not after all the effort I've put in. If I knew you would be such a bitch at the very end, I wouldn't have tried so damn hard. What I really want to say, is just fuck it, and fuck you! Even if it's not totally justified, it just reflects how I feel about all those damn people who decided it was okay to write me off as nothing special. What, like you're so much goddamn better? If you don't view me as valuable that's your deal. But again, don't act like it toward me! Who does that? Not anymore. I'm not taking it in the ass anymore. You want to fight, let's hug it out, bitch. I won't take this passive-aggressive shit anymore. I think it might be because you don't like me. Well you won't get off easy. I'm not taking your final, I'm not letting you make me feel bad. I've already earned respect from you, and it was up to you to ignore that. So now it's showtime. I'm coming in tomorrow morning. I'm telling you the only thing that makes sense. There's nothing more to it than that, except to call you on your dick behavior. And I don't care if you're having a bad day, if you were having a bad day, because thanks to your bullshit, I'm having a terrible week. I shouldn't let you affect me like this but I've always fucking been that way. What's wrong with me, I respect the opinions of professors and teachers of all kinds. And they've always been right about me, except for you. Why am I not good enough for you? Sounds like YOUR problem, bitch. I don't have to prove myself to you. I've already done that by coming to your damn class, writing your damn papers, and participating to the best of my ability. Just because this wasn't my best subject is no reason for you to tell me I don't at least deserve a decent response. Just because I'm not like you is no reason to behave like a child.
It's sad, I know, but I've always wasted energy on shitheads since I was a child. It just helps to get it out over a short amount of time than to agonize about what might have been different if I'd just made it a big deal for a bit. I'm going to call you on your bullshit, and I won't take any crap. You'll try to make me feel bad. About my last paper, about the final. But that doesn't matter, if you'd just fucking listen to me. What a challenge for you, I know. Is it because I'm a psyc major, is that your problem? Jesus Christ, I hate philosophy, are you really going to let that bother you? Be the adult, or do I always have to do it for you? Never mind, I'm used to it.
I'm so pissed off!!! I'm only going to say all this shit once and then I'm done with you. No matter what happens I know how it's supposed to go, and just because you don't agree doesn't mean you get to push me around and tell me what to do. Don't fucking TELL me what to do anymore! I do this shit my way, you know why? Because it works, goddammit. I will not, I will not, I will not let you make me feel bad. I may not deserve much from you, but I at least deserve that. Don't even try. If I was drunk I'd give you my signature line: I'ma fuck your shit up, bitch!
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| I feel bad enough dignifying you with some semblance of thoughts, but I can't suffer silently like everyone else seems to be able to. The only thing is, it's just the only thing is how little this should surprise me. I gave you the utmost respect and you didn't care to return me any. I guess you're just that much better than I am. I guess you just know that much about me. What is it you wanted to hear? I'm sorry? I'm sorry I didn't meet your expectations. I'm sorry I wasn't exactly who you wanted me to be. Why does all of this sound so goddamn familiar? Oh, that's right. You're just like everyone else. Everyone else who disappointed me by blatantly disrespecting me, by treating me with much less dignity than I know I deserve. So many people think it's perfectly okay to walk all over me, tell me things that are blatantly rude and ignorant, having no regard for the fact that their actions have an affect on people. Why must you all act like children when it comes to me? Because I've been dealing with this since I was a child. For some reason none of those children ever grew up. I guess it was just me. There is no reason for fully functioning adults to be so damn rude to me, when I did nothing to deserve it. So congratulations, professor. You're just like everyone else who has written me off. You're just another person I have to get over, and then never remember fondly. You taught me nothing; you only reminded me that I will continue to be disappointed by those I treat with respect. It could have been different, you know? But people always choose to let their ugly side come out to me. I guess it's nice to know the truth.
Again, congratulations. Have a nice life.
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| I always seem to end up back here again. I haven't been poetic in a while, and I don't necessarily feel that way now, but there's always some strange ache, and I can't wait for this one to go away.
I am beautiful. I know it, I feel it. Yes, conventionally. I have always been beautiful on the inside, to me. And now I know that I truly am a pretty girl. Yes, even with glasses. What bothers me, strangely, is when other men affirm this to me. I'm not used to it. I don't know what to do except become somewhat enamored with these men, these young men, these mere boys that don't really know me at all. But I'm still a little girl sometimes. And I like to feel pretty. When men say you're pretty, you're cute, you're beautiful, you're gorgeous, whatever, it feels so damn good, and it actually hurts me a little. Why did it take so long for guys to tell me this? Why couldn't I have had more when I needed it? I don't need this anymore, I don't need affirmation. But they fool me into thinking I do. This is odd, it's strange, it's unnatural. I'm going backwards through my youth I feel. I started out old and rational. And now I feel younger, more vivacious, more susceptible to silly things like cars and loud music and old acquaintances, awkward compliments. What more is this but pesky emotion? But dammit, I can't get it out of my head. This has happened before. If I just give myself a week or two it will be over. I won't feel the craving for male attention. But when it happens again, I don't want to be a fool. I have someone who loves the very core of my being. And I blush when a boy says I'm cute. How ridiculous can I be? Me, who's brilliance outshines nearly all I encounter? I'm better than these silly boys, but I'm still a girl. I should just get used to it, say thanks and move on, turn to my true love and be content. No more longing for another fleeting glance. Because that's all I am to these other silly boys. Fleeting. A passing visual pleasure, out of sight, out of mind. I know I'll come to this in a few days. Damn these emotions, distracting me from what's important. All of my moaning about truth, nature, religion... and then I turn around and worry about feeling pretty.
Fuck that, I'm a pretty girl, and you all know it. Whether you say it or not just speaks to your social competence. But I am far more than what you see, and you're sadly missing out if you only take me for some cute girl, gone as the night goes on, who doesn't show up to the after-party.
I'm still so affected by silly things. Do I actually feel I missed out on the single life? Maybe that's all it is. They're not gonna get us. Simple words, rhythm, driving far too fast in the dead of night, feeling glances and gazes, tempting, heart fluttering. It's, again, a passing fancy. A fleeting pleasure. They don't know it yet but they will. They're still caught up in the dream, like my daydreams. And when someone appears and accepts you without question, you realize that all this before wasn't the bachelor party, it was the desperate longing for the real truth to begin. And you wonder how you ever felt satisfied with the ephemeral fantasy you thought you knew.
I will always love you, completely, with everything I am. Don't mind my thoughts, just take my heart.
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| I know because it's impossible for me not to know. I know you want don't want to know how it feels without. I know you want to stay in love with your sorrow. I get it. I understand why. Here in the darkness you know yourself. But I never wanted it to be so cold. Anything is better than to be alone. Maybe there's something else. So maybe one day, you can let it go. I can't hold onto me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium | | |
| I will be brave. Just try being brave. Bravery. Facing something without fear. Or with fear, but facing it anyway. Lately I've been trying to be courageous in terms of my philosophy. I'm standing for what I believe in. I am being the change I want to see. This begins by educating as many people as possible about atheism. I am not an atheist. But I think the atheists might be more correct than any religion. And I think that if more religious people are exposed to atheism, it will eventually result in a more open-minded population. Once we all figure out that no one is going to change their mind about their beliefs, we can finally move on to the real goal: mutual respect. I made flyers for the Agnostic and Atheist Student Group's big meeting where all religious groups and people are encouraged to attend to talk about a big issue, in this case the Existence/Nonexistence of God. My flyers get torn down everywhere. Is that justice to you people? Is that courage? Is that what your God tells you to do, to impede the progress of mutual respect for this world? Well good fucking job. I'm so glad I don't follow your God. Not that atheists can't be narrow-minded as well. I think any militants on either side need to be more tolerant of other frames of mind. We are all different. We were raised differently, our genes are different, we all have different quirks and preferences and aversions, our parents or caretakers all told us different things, and we all have individual and differing reactions to any and all stimuli that our environment presents to us. This is all true. Thus, how is it possible that people believe that everyone on the planet should believe in one universal concept? It is impossible. Thus (again), no one philosophy or belief can be right. If nothing is universal, then nothing is correct. I believe this is a valid conclusion. Correctness as far as humans go is solely based on universality. Facts are the only universals. Everything else is personal opinion. Everything I've just said is also personal opinion, but I think I'm hitting on something. Bottom line. Don't take down any flyers just because you don't agree with what it said. Don't tear down another person if you don't agree with their personal views. Don't close your eyes to the world of people with all different experiences to learn from. Don't shut out the world so that you can feel more righteous with your God. Because your God doesn't exist. Any god that advocates such disrespect is no god that should be worshipped in this world. I never asked for any conversions. Just think about what you do before you do it. Think about the reasons for your actions and beliefs. Don't build a wall around yourself as soon as someone tells you they're not of your same belief system. If they muster up enough courage to tell you the worst possible thing: They're an atheist. I can see your expressions, how your body language changes, how your eyes change, become harder and colder, belying the closing of your mind. I can see it and feel it. And it really hurts, to think of how many people would have been my friend but remain only acquaintance because they're afraid of the hellfire I imply, carry around in my soulless shell. It takes a lot for me to tell someone that, and it really shouldn't. It should be simple and easy for both parties. You shouldn't feel like you have to judge, and I shouldn't feel like I'm being judged, like I'm losing a friend just because I will never pray for you. I respect you and all of your rights. Please respect me and mine. I believe in the right of every person to believe or disbelieve anything they choose. This is my virtue. This is what I would die for. | | |
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